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  1. #16
    ~♥~ Just Married ~♥~ daisydeadpetals's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Maeveyblue View Post
    There is something more to this story. The fact that he put a gun to the infant's head, has a police record and was able to get a TRO against her? This doesn't make sense. She could have gone into the hearing with a legal aide, shown the court the police report and TRO that got misplaced and she would have gotten the TRO. She isn't telling you something. And the fact that she is now dating someone and has no interest in the kids.... well, she may be in denial, but so far she isn't looking good imo.

    If someone took my kids, I would fight to the death for them. Literally.
    The hearing is not until the 14th and because of the TRO against her she can't get legal aide. That's what sucks.

  2. #17
    ~♥~ Just Married ~♥~ daisydeadpetals's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Maeveyblue View Post
    Again, she has documentation, public documentation, to back this up. He wouldn't be able to convince CPS. Although some bipolars are incredible con artists because they are pathalogical liars and the lie becomes truth to them.

    That's exactly my point! He is a PHENOMENAL liar! If I didn't know him better I'd probably believe him myself. But I've seen his true colors and I've seen his anger directed towards his wife and kids... and even me!

  3. #18
    ~♥~ Just Married ~♥~ daisydeadpetals's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by boysRsmelly View Post
    No offense, and please don't hate me, but I really think that you should stay out of it. I understand that you love your goddaughter, but you getting involved in all the drama will probably just mean even more heartache for you.
    Aww... why would I hate you for saying that? In all honesty... you're probably right.

    Now if only I could force myself to stay away...

  4. #19
    *The TBF Elite* Maeveyblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by daisydeadpetals View Post
    The hearing is not until the 14th and because of the TRO against her she can't get legal aide. That's what sucks.
    What state are you in? That is not a normal practice in most states.
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  5. #20
    ~♥~ Just Married ~♥~ daisydeadpetals's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Southern California. I've called the Legal Aide Society of San Diego, Modest Means, and several other legal help places and they basically said the same thing.

  6. #21
    Totally Purse Obsessed
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by boysRsmelly View Post
    No offense, and please don't hate me, but I really think that you should stay out of it. I understand that you love your goddaughter, but you getting involved in all the drama will probably just mean even more heartache for you.
    I'm sorry Daisy, but I agree with BoysRsmelly. It sounds like you're trying to help someone that doesn't want to help themself. For your own sake, and stress levels you should probably not be so involved in this situation. I can only imagine how hard this is for you:hug:

  7. #22
    Fashionista lrc123's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    First of all, how did her Domestic Violence paperwork get "overlooked"? And why can't she work back from that to get his DV TRO reversed? Why isn't paperwork that is stamped and has a court date on it not proof of something that would be in her favor in this mess, especially since hers was done first? Wouldn't that alone be enough for legal aid to at least look into this for her? How messed up is this when she files first and he seems to have won? I don't understand how this can be ignored as being of no consequence, especially when there are children involved and she filed first!!!!

    OK. Now, one of my closest friends' exes is much the same. They have been divorced for many years now and she ended up with their three kids, but he put her through a lot of grief during and after the divorce. The three kids are all now over eighteen, but during the years they lived with her, he made sure she got as little as possible of his money, even though he ought to have been giving her a lot more, legally. But that is just part of it. Although he did not hold her hostage with guns, he isolated her from all of her friends by moving to a rural area that was quite a distance from any of us and that was just as bad. He controlled everything she did and who she saw by doing so. He tried to make the kids think it was their mom's fault that the marriage became what it was, but they saw and see him for what he is. Encourage your friend not to give up for the sake of her children. She more than likely feels overwhelmed at this point and knowing what my friend went through, I can understand why. However, does she really want him to raise her children to have such messed up heads? If they are "afraid" of their mother, it is because he is telling them the biggest bunch of garbage he can come up with, but it is more than likely that they are actually afraid of him! Control freaks control with fear, because they are major cowards and they know what it takes to keep others under their control, especially kids. There is no way their understanding of the world is going to end up being normal if they are raised by someone who is so controlling and manipulative. I wonder, too, what the new man in her life is like and whey he is even involved with her at this point! She is hurting very deeply right now and may not want to even acknowledge that fact, but she needs to deal with what is going on, rather than running away from it and she surely cannot be thinking about the long term consequences and the very real regrets she will have (even if she says she won't, she will have HUGE regrets if she lets him have the kids). It may seem as though she doesn't care, but she probably cares so much and she thinks that there are no solutions that she feels overwhelmed and that is why she seems to have given up.

    I don't know how old you or your friend are, but I do have a good idea of what is going on here and I want to encourage you to encourage her to not give up, if for no other reason that for the sake of her children. She ought to be the one who is requesting no Joint Custody and No Visitation, for the sake of the children! She needs to find the type of lawyer who knows how to legally bring things about so that he pays to, among many things, have the children psychologically evaluated, the type of lawyer who knows how to "work the system" to the childrens' advantage! It is obvious that it would be in their best interest to have two loving, psychologically sound parents in a stable home environment, but, barring that, and considering the fact that the husband is unwilling to change, the children need to be with their mother.



    I eMailed my mom about this, and that's what she has to say.
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  8. #23
    Ilovebags violaceous's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    ^that's some good stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by daisydeadpetals View Post
    Physically, no, the father hasn't hurt the children ever, but emotionally, definitely. Especially that whole rifle incident, my goddaughter was only 1 month old but he put one of the guns right up to her little head (I read the police report) while she was in my friend's arms and all the while their oldest who was 5 at the time saw EVERYTHING!!! (Their son wasn't born yet at the time)
    He's allowed near them after that?
    AND he can have them and he's on meds for being Bi-Polar?? Something sounds really wrong here to me, too.
    If your friend is depressed and feeling helpless, which it sounds like, she might need help for herself, too.. especially after getting out of a relationship like that. I don't think you should stay out of it, since it sounds like no one else can help your friend, and she doesn't know how to help herself.. but she does need to at least act like she wants it..
    This situation sounds so awful, and I hope it all works out.

  9. #24
    *The TBF Elite* Maeveyblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Quote Originally Posted by daisydeadpetals View Post
    Southern California. I've called the Legal Aide Society of San Diego, Modest Means, and several other legal help places and they basically said the same thing.
    Something doesn't jive.
    When I took out a restaining order on my Ex in Los Angeles, he came in with legal aide to the hearing. She needs to call them directly, go in for a sit-down meeting and you need to distant yourself from it. Better yet, she needs a good attorney, even if this means taking out a loan to pay for it. I highly recommend Bobette Fleishman in Westlake Village. She works wonders.
    If she wants her kids, she needs to fight for them. You can be there for her, but don't do her work for her.
    Also, when it is a case for the best interest of the child, there will be a psych evaluation. No matter how good the husband is (pathologically speaking), he won't be able to outsmart the computer test. Again, I would have her call Bobette. It took me 3 years and over $100K, but I have my son free and clear and my ex has no hope of ever seeing him or me again. If she has the police documentation, the courts won't overlook that either. This was my ex's downfall. Although California is a highly liberal state and is all about father's rights, when there is documented violence involved, the mother always wins. And the fact that he pointed a gun at the child, that is HUGE. Most parents won't lose rights if they just put the adult into the hospital. The courts claim that even though the father beat the crap out of mom, there isn't any evidence he would actually hurt his children.
    Last edited by Maeveyblue; October 6th, 2008 at 06:26 PM.
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  10. #25
    RM Ticked Off!
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    ^ ITA with Maevey.

    Something just doesn't seem right, especially given the fact that there is a police report that has clear documentation of threatened violence.

    Regarding your friend -- I don't know what else you can do besides what you have been doing. In my opinion, she seems like she could be extremely, intensely depressed or shaken up about what is going on which is why she is reacting the way she is. Not agreeing with her behavior. Are her parents around? Does she have any other family? It seems like they could try to help out without you getting so involved and stressed out because in the end, it's not worth your sanity. I hope everything works out.
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  11. #26
    Fashionista lrc123's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    I agree that there is something that is really wrong if he has managed to get a TRO against her when she has prior documentation against him, including holding a gun to his child's head. What in the world is the court system thinking, allowing him to even have those children with him!!!!???? That is crazy!!!! I will say it again--encourage her to stay involved, if for no other reason, than that she does it for the sake of the children. And even if she may have been in an abusive, controlling relationship in the past, it seems to me that the fact that she has decided to leave this man shows that she has realized how messed up the relationship had become. I encourage you to ask her if she really wants a man who would hold a gun to his own child's head to raise her children. And, since he is manic-depressive and it is not guaranteed that he will stay on his meds, she cannot possibly believe that her children would be safe with him, considering what he did in the past. And the advice I already gave still stands, but, now that you have shared the fact that he has threatened violence, I hope that you can, even more for the sake of the children, convince her not to give up. She cannot change what she did; she can only change what she does from now on, and I hope and pray that she will make the choices that are best for her and her children. Every life matters and she and her children deserve to have lives that are free of the burden of his instability and his volatility and his extremely unhealthy need to control others instead of himself.
    Us girls we are so magical, soft skin, red lips, so kissable.

  12. #27
    Official Bagista
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    This sounds like a very toxic situation. I would stay away. I know it's hard but...seriously...domestic issues are the most dangerous and you don't want to be literally caught in the cross fire.

    I would not have served him the papers myself as a friend. I would have had a sheriff do that. You're lucky he didn't beat or shoot you! If he's bi-polar, I would walk a fine line until he's back under control.

  13. #28
    Bag Junkie navymom's Avatar
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Well, I'm new to this board but I'm just going to say I don't give a crawling crap what happens to those 2 parents in this situation but I do care what happens to those innocent children.
    Sorry to feel this way.....
    NavyMom

  14. #29
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    Default Re: What would you do? (a pretty long rant...)

    Your friend is definitely going through something emotionally...like all the others said. Probably a combination of sense of worthlessness and helplessness...if she didn't go out and date an asshole, she will feel so lost and won't be able to stand it...Why is she feeling so lost? Well, because it feels like she has nothing...her world has come crumbling down like she thought it would if she left her husband (which is why she stayed for so long)...It doesn't matter as much that he's a jerk (to her), it matters more that he holds the reins to her life...and now that she tried to do the right thing, everything is gone. "How can I let him take my kids? How could I have stayed so long with that man?" etc. etc...Honestly, if she didn't start off with low self-esteem, she would have been hit hard after the divorce...so...Why not start anew?...Yet, the old part of herself is actually dominating...Her lack of self-worth is picking her new bf for her. She does care about her kids, but that is an area of her life that is extremely hard to face and to deal with...(She feels helpless, remember?)

    The fear and anxiety is too much for her to handle...so she lets the new asshole in her life distract her...

    So...that's just your friend being human and needing a lot of help...which I'm not sure you're the sole person to give (coz that would probably eat away your life and energy and you still might not be able to help)...She needs help from many places and it will take a long time. But as for the legal issues, it's now past the 14th, so I'm hoping something is being done for her legally.

    I think you should definitely do what the other forum people are saying...to care for yourself first and foremost, because you're in for the long haul if you don't wanna become indifferent to your friend and your goddaughter within the span of a year. Do what you can for them, but make sure your friend realizes that she has to do her work (be gentle and honest considering the things she is going through)...you're definitely her biggest support now and it's good if you can diversify her support system to other places...crisis center, churches, social service, etc. etc. You yourself must realize that she may not be in a good place to be able to handle all these stressful things...so don't expect too much...let her take it slow (I know there is an urgency with the kids, but they've been in the situation for years now...kids are resilient, and as much as I want them out of the situation immediately, it doesn't work that way...so be patient)...

    and yes...get professional help...legally and perhaps even psychologically for your friend + kids when they get out of the man's hold (which I'm confident will happen)...Abused wives can take years and years and years to get back on their feet.

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